Misbehaving Guide Dog

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit, which he fed to the dog.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find which end is his mouth so that I can boot him in the butt".




Just Moved In

The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.

"It's great," Tommy said. "I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…"




Giraffe In A Pub

A guy wanders into a pub one evening followed by a giraffe. They sit down, and over a number of hours get extremely drunk. As the bar is shutting, the man goes to leave.

The man behing the bar yells "Oi mate. You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The drunk turns around and says, "Oi mate, it isnt a lion. Its a giraffe!"




Proving a point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

Liver n' Cheese Poodle

There was a Labrador, a dalmatian and a doberman in a doggy bar when an attractive girl poodle walks in. She says to the three dogs "Whichever one of you can say the best sentence with liver and cheese in wins a date!"

So the Labrador says " I like cheese but I don't like liver," but that wasn't good enough for the girl poodle.

Then the Doberman said "I like liver but I don't like cheese" but it still wasn't good enough.

Finally the dalmatian piped in with "Liver alone. Cheese mine!"

However, he still lost because it was the cheesiest joke she had ever heard.




Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."




Saddam Lookalikes

I heard that they got all of the Saddam lookalikes together and told them that they have some good news and some bad news.

The good news was that Saddam survived the bombings, so they all still had jobs.

One of the lookalikes asked, "What's the bad news?"

The bad news, they were told, was that he lost an arm and an eye.




Stop

When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED?

When you're eating a watermelon!

Put or Putt

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," replied the instructor. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."




Problem Solving

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm, perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"




Emo Burrito

How many emos does it take to microwave a mama's burrito?

Answer: 4.

One to cry about it on LiveJournal.

One to make a Facebook about it.

One to take a picture of them taking a picture of themselves in a mirror and post it on LiveJournal and Facebook.

The other to make the burrito.




A Dreadful Fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

Llama

Why did the Llama cross the road?

Because he was sick of the chicken doing it!




Pub Stakeout

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."




Cheesy Pick Up Lines

- Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just taken my heart away!

- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!

- If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

- When God made you, he was showing off

- It's not my fault I fell in love. You're the one who tripped me!

Missing Wallet

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"




Old Me

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man."

The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."




Four Things

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!




Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Agony

What is the definition of Agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy toes.




Bad Golfer

Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."




Password

A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

On the Way to Heaven

One day a Jerry, Perry, and Cletus were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So Jerry made it to the 45th step and laughed.

Perry made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But Cletus made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked, "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

Cletus responded, "I know I just now got the first one!!!"




Firing Squad

Jerry, Perry, and Cletus get captured and are placed before a firing squad. They are about to be executed when Jerry exclaims, "Look...Hurricane" and points to his left while he gets away.

Perry follows up with, "Look...Tornado," points and gets away.

Finally Cletus tries to do the same thing and says "Fire!"




Little Johnny and Geography

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!

The Frog and the Rat

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Okay, 100 grand for just the scatting rat." The drunk say, "Deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a ventriliquist"




Heaven's Ugliest

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you end with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."

She says to the first two guys, "I lied."




Lost in the Middle of Nowhere

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down. They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

The other two guys say, "Why?".

"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".

"Why" asked the other two.

"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.

"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

"In case we get hot we can roll down the window."




Hemp Bags

Jerry, Perry, and Cletus escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three hemp bags. They all jumped in.

The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three hemp bags. One copper goes to the other "Kick the hemp bags to make sure nothing's in them"

So the copper walks up to the hemp bag with Jerry and kicked it.

He said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat and walked to the next hemp bag.

The copper kicked the second hemp bag with Perry in it. He said "Woof Woof" so the coppers walked to the third hemp bag thinking a dog was in the second one.

The copper kicked the third hemp bag with Cletus in it. And he said "Potatoes".

More Good Advice - Military Style

- "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF

- "When the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

- "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF

- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena,Japan

- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor

- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."




Too Many Kids

One day, three men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor. After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"

"Yes doctor, I'm right here," he said anxiously.

"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"

"Wow, that's great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."

About five minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"

"I'm right here Doc," he said.

"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"

"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."

A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"

"Right here docta," he said.

"Wonderful news! It's-"

"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."




Rabbit Save

One day a man was driving down the road in a hot red convertible. He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit hopped in front of his car. As the man swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over. The man got out of the car and started crying, upset that he'd killed the rabbit.

Just then a woman drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her she says, "Oh I can fix that." She goes to her car, pulls out a can and sprays the rabbit with it.

It instantly comes alive and hops off, but every five feet it turns back to wave, before finally disappearing into the forest.

The guy is amazed and says, "How did you do that?" The woman just tosses him the can and drives off. The can says "Hair Spray: Guaranteed to bring your hair back to life and create a permanent wave."

Good Advice - Military Style

- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies."

- "Never trade luck for skill."

- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh ****!"

- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

- "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

- "Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

- Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

- "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,

- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

- Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)




Three Guys in Heaven

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.

"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!"




Comprehending the IT guy

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.




Officer Fitness Reports

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.