CJ has been in "slow labor" for days now.. Tonight, though, she had the strongest ones yet. They brought tears to her eyes and a look of panic and fear that I've not seen for thirteen years. Violet climbed into her lap and settled on her legs as soon as they started, kneading and purring like Tom did when I went into labor. It's like they recognize what's going on and want to comfort.
The nursery is... as complete as it's gonna get, for now. The diaper raffle at the baby shower was an excellent idea, we have four packs of Newborn, some Ones, Twos, and a big box of Threes. We have wipes. We have (hopefully) enough receiving blankets, though I'll likely go hunting for more with mom if I get out there to see her and Nicky. The crib/playpen/changing table is all set up, the bassinet has a fresh cover and there's a couple of padding blankets in the changing table section of the playpen thing. John and CJ got the rest of the stuff moved out while I was asleep, so I didn't have any of that to do when I woke up, today. Problem is, I forgot to tell them I set aside certain books because I was planning on leaving them in there so I could read them to the baby. Now, they're lost in the crammed chaos of the computer room. I put the Scooby Doo up on my bookshelf.. it looks so odd, a black bookshelf in a nursery.. but it'll do till we have enough to buy a white one for the baby. I realized today we don't have a baby wedge, we'll have to roll up some blankets and maybe make a blanket wedge. We finally got a light in there, I'm happy about that.
That's where I go, when the sadness or the worry gets too much. I go and hide in the nursery, where the atmosphere feels so different. I think Gabby's been in there when we aren't looking, checking things out. Maybe the fairies have been dropping by, drawn to the hope and eagerness and the sensation of a new life. I don't know, I just know it feels.. like it did to be curled up in a four-person stack. I've been forgetting the cat boxes, but I never seem to forget that I meant to rearrange something in the nursery or dust something in the nursery or whatever.
So, tonight, she starts getting hard - no.. harder contractions. Every time they get worse, she thinks this is it, she's in full labor. I know some women have easy births, I even know a few whose FIRST birth was easy, but I don't think she's going to be one of those women. And yet, every time they get worse, my first thought is "yes, this is it!" We start gathering whatever we'll need, getting dressed, calling family.... and then they die down again. We're such a strange species. People. We're impatient for things to go faster and once they're past we wish they'd gone on longer. But anyways.. I think her contractions are going to be much worse before she's felt an actual "hard" contraction.
Either way, we're holding off on going back to the hospital until it's really damn clear that she's in full labor. Not because we want her in pain or don't want to make the drive again, but because she looks so miserable when the doctor comes in and says "nope, not yet". She cries and apologizes because she feels she's wasted everyone's time and gotten everyone's hopes up. It's too hard to watch. Having her hear that she's only expanded 0.5cm to 1.0cm since she last came in is painful. She looks so sad, so defeated. I know she's thinking the sort of things she shouldn't.. that she isn't a woman-goddess-mother because other women don't have these problems dilating. I remember feeling things similar to that when they finally told me they couldn't wait any longer for the c-section. Like I'd been handed a cosmic test and it had come back with a big, red F stamped on it.

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I keep a little red vanity on my desk.. it reminds me of Him. The Jack to my Sally. The Roger to my Jessica. The gypsy to my angel.
I swear one of these days I'm going to decorate it, but for right now.. for right now I like just.. looking at it. Remembering the trip, his jaw at my ankle, paint speckles on his face, the feel of his jeans under my fingertips, his hand reaching for me. I just wish I could have been Sally enough for him, could have had enough patience and enough thread to mend us both..